Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
Aristotle
Who are you?
It seems like a fairly simple question, doesn’t it?
I’m here to suggest that the answers we give to this question matter much more than you may think.
The first answer we will be tempted to give would be facts about ourselves. Our name, our age, our gender, who we are in relationship with. Whether or not we have children.
But I would suggest that although these things are true, they are not who we are. I may have a name, a dog, a child, a partner but these things or relationships are things that I own or am connected with. They are not me.
The next thing we might talk about would be our past things we have done, seen, places we have been – our achievements. But again I’m going to suggest that these are not who we are. They exist right now as memories accessible through our minds. I have a memory of going to Australia 12 years ago. That memory belongs to me. It isn’t me.
The third answer we tend to be tempted to give relates to our personalities. Our preferences, our beliefs, our opinions, our tendencies or habits. And again, although these things may be interesting, helpful and true, I’m going to suggest that they are not who we actually are. They are, quite obviously, things that can change over time.
So whilst somebody writing your obituary or mine might reference any of the things that I’ve mentioned so far, and that these things might be helpful in getting a sense of who we were, this doesn’t actually answer the more mysterious question of who we actually are.
I’m going to suggest that there is a more essential answer to this question, and one that doesn’t change.
I’m going to suggest that the You that is looking out for your eyes and reading this article right now, is essentially the same you that looked out through your eyes when you were seven years old. You may have different memories, you will certainly look different, but it’s essentially the same one.
It’s who you are prior to your personality, your memories, your tendencies and the things that you may or may not have achieved or done.
~
Feel your bottom on the seat right now. Ask yourself the question “who is aware of that?” I would imagine that the answer is “I am”. Look at something in the room you are in. Who is seeing that? Again, the answer will probably be the same. “I am“. Feel your breathing. Who is aware of that? I imagine it’s the same answer.
The essence of who we are is the one who is aware of all of our experiences. And this is the aspect of ourselves that never changes.
We usually don’t comment on it, or notice it because it seems too simple, too obvious to mention. But in being a confident and authentic leader and speaker, it matters more than anything else.
Why is this so important?
The answer is feelings, thoughts and chairs.
Some of our greatest challenges as leaders and speakers come from need to manage our emotions, and our challenging thoughts. A powerful leader is one who is able to pay attention to both, but not be ruled by either.
If you believe that you are your thoughts, or you’re completely blended or overwhelmed by your emotions, you have no control over them. They will be controlling you.
Trying to manage your dysfunctional thoughts or strong emotions whilst you are believing them is like trying to pick up the chair that you are sitting on. It’s simply impossible.
We need to take what philosophers, therapists and spiritual thinkers have called “the back step”. Going from the thought “I’m angry” to “I am having an angry feeling” or “A part of me feels angry”. Going from the thought “James is wrong and he needs to be punished” to “I’m having the thought that James is wrong and he needs to be punished” or even “A part of me believes that James is wrong and he needs to be punished.”
I find that the language of parts, e.g. “a part of me feels scared”, which I am borrowing from Internal Family Systems therapy, is very effective in taking this back step, and getting sufficient distance from my thoughts and emotions to be able to view them more objectively.
Notice that there is a double distancing in the sentence “a part of me believes that James is wrong and needs to be punished.” First that this is a belief, and secondly it is only held by a part of me.
Just say these two sentences in your head – “I feel scared” and “A part of me feels scared”. Can you feel how much more space there is in the second sentence?
This is what it is to unblend from a part, an emotion (or a thought). You are no longer merged with it. It becomes something that you can look at and relate with.
It’s not that the emotion or thought suddenly goes away. Far from it, usually. But the distance does two key things.
First it allows you relate with that thought or emotion, as I’ve said. Second, and just as importantly, it gives you clarity and access to a much more stable aspect of you – your true Self. This aspect of you is the one that can be trusted with this challenging task.
Qualities of the Self
In Internal Family Systems they describe “the Self” (the aspect of you that is aware of the parts, thoughts and feelings) as that aspect of you that has a number of qualities.
They speak of the 8Cs and the 5Ps. They are: “Compassion, Creativity, Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, Calm, Connectedness, Clarity, Presence, Persistence, Perspective, Playfulness and Patience.”
Is there really an aspect of who we are that is always all of these things?
In my experience of exploring this for the past 20 years by myself and with others, the amazing answer is yes.
There is an aspect of me that is always these things, and that’s true for you too.
(It’s tempting to call it a “part” of me, but it’s important to realise that this aspect of who we are is above the parts, or the one that can see the parts. Rather in the way that the conductor of the orchestra is connected to, but is separate from the players.)
It is, in some way, the ideal parent that most of us never had. And it lives within all of us.
If the aspect of you that is in charge right now isn’t these things, it simply isn’t your (true) Self.
How can we tell if we are “coming from” our Self?
There are lots of ways of telling if we are rooted in something other than our self. Because there are lots of qualities that are inherent in itself that I’ve listed above.
But the key one for me is trying.
The great sage master Yoda in Star Wars said famously “Do, or do not, there is no try”. (The Filmmaker George Lucas stole this insight from 5,000 years of Eastern wisdom traditions, including the Tao Te Ching by Lau Tzu).
Trying is something that we add to doing, that creates a layer of tension around it. It is perfectly possible to do things without this extra layer of effort. If you want to read more about this check out the article I wrote: “There’s no need to try“.
When I notice that in executing a task there is a level of tension in my body that is unnecessary, or there is an extra sense of urgency in doing the task that isn’t really justified by the situation, I perceive that I am trying.
When I’m trying, my ego (which is a fearful part of me, essentially rooted in my mind) is in charge. My Self is in the back seat.
When I notice that I’m trying, I can use a technique that I’ve previously described called “AAC” (Awareness, Acceptance, Choice) to drop back into Self:
Awareness: “A part of me is trying”
Acceptance: “That’s OK”.
Choice: Let it go. Relax my eyes and my jaw. Feel my body. See what actually needs to be done right now.
If you need a bit more help, you can try the more involved technique that I’ve described here.
As I’m typing this article, if I consciously drop back into Self, I feel a complete absence of trying. My fingers are moving, the words are appearing on the page, and I’m suffused by a sense that all is essentially well. I can feel my vision soften and my brain relax, as if the mind is reverting to it’s role as servant rather than master. It’s an extremely relaxing and effective place to relate from. Both inside my body and mind, and outside with the world.
My main teacher (a wise chap called Adam) says – “Where you’re coming from determines where you’re going.”
One of his teachers is reported to have said “the most important thing is to know what’s the most important thing”. This is about putting first things first.
In terms of starting out right in all aspects of public speaking and leadership, I believe that knowing where we are coming from is the most important thing. And making sure that when we are relating with anything important, inside or out, we are rooted in our Self.
This is what underlies our Presence-based approach to leadership and public speaking, and to life in general. We suggest you might want to make something similar your foundation too.
So the next time you’re freaking out, whether as a speaker or a leader, remember that the one who’s panicking is not who you truly are. And give that part a hug.
~
As always, I love to hear how you get on with the insights I share in the blog either in the comments below or by email.
~
If you’d like to explore these issues with me we explore them in our Foundation Public Speaking Courses in London, or I’m more than happy to explore them with you in one to one coaching.
- I and Thou:The Secret to Truly Connected Communication - June 4, 2026
- Presence and Self: The same place, different paths - April 9, 2026
- Where we’re coming from. The source of leadership and communication. - March 12, 2026