In this article Daniel explores how not to be taken over by our emotions and our ego, in order to be more balanced leaders and speakers.
“If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”
President George W Bush
I like the George Bush quote above, not because it’s true (I don’t think it is), but because it’s memorable.
I’d like to offer a different mantra that came to me. It doesn’t relate to the people around us, but to what’s happening on the inside of us, in our minds and emotions.
The mantra is: “If you’re not with it, it’s running you”.
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The more I look at myself, the more I realise that most of what governs my behaviour are my emotions, and they in turn are often caused by thoughts I’m not even aware of.
The bottom line here, is if we’re not aware of how process works, and taking steps to actively manage it, it will be in charge of us, much of the time, to our detriment.
This obviously matters in an everyday human behaviour context, but also matters hugely in a leadership context. If we are, unbeknown to ourselves, being run by irrational parts of our minds, it is going to cause us to take bad decisions, both for our organisations and all those that we interact with.
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I’ll start to explain what I mean by this, by telling you a story of my run the other day.
I’ve decided that I want to improve my cardiovascular fitness. Partly because I became a dad quite late at the age of 47, and also because my own father had a heart attack in his 60s. I want to do everything I can to avoid that happening to me, for my sake and for the sake of my family.
One way I’ve decided to do this is by doing some (fairly unscientific) high intensity interval training (HIIT) most days. Put simply, I am alternating short sprints at maximum exertion with periods of walking in between at very low levels of effort, to allow my heart to recover. And I’m doing that at my local park.
What this means is that I’m undertaking this routine on the very scenic 1km circuit at the centre of the park, where I also encounter lots of other runners, along with dog walkers and people out for a stroll.
The other day, I noticed something interesting. I was happily walking along following a sprint, when I got overtaken by a young woman, perhaps in her 30s who was jogging along at a steady, not especially high speed.
Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself sprinting to overtake her, well before my heart had recovered from my previous sprint. As I overtook her I noticed a sense of satisfaction and happiness arising in me. I sprinted for a while at maximum effort before returning to my usual walking pace.
Of course, it wasn’t long before she overtook me again. To my surprise, I noticed a surge of anger in my chest! There was a part of me that was annoyed that she had overtaken me!
My rational mind knew this was ridiculous, on so many levels. Firstly, she was probably 20-25 years younger than me (I’m now 54). Second, I’d only recently taken up running again after many, many years off, so my base level of fitness, even for a man of my age is relatively low. Third, I wasn’t even attempting to run for maximum average speed or lap time. My objective was almost certainly completely different to hers. I was deliberately seeking to get a big contrast between periods of high intensity and periods of relative rest. Lastly, this wasn’t a competition of any sort. Yet, there was a part of me getting competitive with her, when it was deeply inappropriate on so many levels!
That part of me was, of course, what we would usually describe as my “ego”. My ego was actually affronted that I’d been overtaken. And my male pride was probably doubly affronted that I’ve been overtaken by a woman. My rational mind felt a bit embarrassed to recognise that this was going on inside my head, but to my surprise, that didn’t stop it happening. Every single time this runner overtook me, I noticed a similar response.
Dropping a little deeper, I noticed that underneath the anger was pain. It felt like it actually hurt, when she overtook me. I realised that we do have a phrase in English, which is “it stung my ego when that happened”. That day, I realised that this isn’t just a figure of speech. When something like this happens, it actually feels like it stings a bit.
Inquiring on the inside for a bit more detail as to which bit of me was hurting, I realised that underneath the ego was a vulnerable childlike part of me, that was worrying that I wasn’t “good enough” as a person, because I’d been overtaken by this other runner. It had gone from the simple fact of a runner overtaking me, to fearing that I was a failure at some level because I had allowed this to happen. This is the meaning that the young part was making out of this innocuous interaction. I found this both amazing and actually very touching.
I found myself relating with this young part, the way that an adult would relate with a young child who was going through something similar. I put my arms around him, gave him a hug and gave him empathy and validation for what he was going through.
“Wow! You’re feeling like a failure because that young woman overtook you. I’m sorry that you feel that way, that must really hurt. And I imagine that somehow it reminds you of painful experiences from early on in life. I get it. And…that’s not actually what’s going on here. We are doing this training in order to try and improve our cardiovascular fitness. This is not a competition with anybody else. We’re just wanting to get a bit healthier. And I know you’d like to be the fastest and the best all the time, but at the age of 54 that’s rarely going to happen when you’re mostly surrounded by younger and fitter people. It’s really okay for us to do what we’re doing and for them to overtake us as often as they do. It doesn’t mean anything about us and our value in the world.”
As I did this, I could feel that part of me felt soothed. It was deeply relieving. And I noticed that when I next got overtaken the impulse to immediately overtake back had disappeared. It was like a spell had been broken. The hurt child and the bruised ego were no longer the ones in control. I did still notice flickers from both departments, but by then I was able to be separate from those parts and to look after them with kindness and compassion, so they were nowhere near being in charge anymore.
As a coda to this story, the next time I was in the park, it happened all over again! This process and this realisation didn’t immediately rewire my brain not to do this. But I did notice that I could see what was going on much more quickly, and I was able to recover myself much more quickly than previously. And as the days have gone by it has got progressively easier for these parts to relax.
If you want to read more about this whole area, you might like to read my previous article – Ego is not the enemy – but it shouldn’t be driving the car.
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What messages do I suggest you take from this?
This is how it was for me, but in my experience of working with thousands of clients, we are all wired quite similarly, with a few variations. So, although you wouldn’t respond in exactly the same way as me (because you’ve got a different history and upbringing), the principles that I draw from this are almost certainly applicable to you…
So here they are…
This stuff is quick
Our defences are designed to fire off in what are perceived to be emergency situations, and to react quickly not precisely. We are often acting on them before we even realise what’s going on.
This stuff is hidden
These things are happening all the time and we don’t notice them. At some level they are so familiar to us that we flag them by. We are also somewhat embarrassed by these behaviours, so we “hide” them from ourselves. We pretend to ourselves that we don’t do these things. So we both know that we do them and we “don’t know” that we do them. Embarrassment or shame is the glue that holds it altogether and keeps it all hidden. When we can bring it into the light with compassion, it starts to have much less of a hold on us.
It involves thought, but it’s essentially irrational and emotional in nature
In other words, it represents the logical point of view of a part of us that is just really emotional. What’s driving all of this, at the bottom, are our vulnerabilities and our wounds. Everybody’s got these. These are emotional places in us that are carrying mostly pain and/or fear. These emotions can be covered over by a layer of anger, which can also be somewhat hidden.
These strong emotional drivers in us create thoughts, which we find ourselves acting on subconsciously. So, although thought is involved, what’s going on here is essentially emotional.
Understanding this isn’t enough
It’s not enough to understand what’s going on. Though that’s a good start. Each one of these elements or components need to be seen in the moment, and the vulnerable ones need to be taken in hand.
This isn’t a one-shot deal. At some level it’s something that we need to do every single time, potentially for the rest of our lives. Although, the more we do it the weaker these patterns get, as we start to build new neural pathways.
The childlike parts of us need to be seen and parented in any given moment, otherwise they are running the show.
If you’re not with them… They’re running you.
Unpacking the story I told above. What did I do?
- I started with noticing the impulse to overtake the other runner.
- I tracked that back to the thought “I can’t let them overtake me!”
- I saw that underneath that is an egoic part that feels angry that I’ve been overtaken.
- And underneath that is a vulnerable child-like part that is hurting.
- I asked that part why it was hurting and listened. (It told me that it felt like a failure – this had triggered an old wound).
- When it told me why it was hurting, I empathised with it and validated its point of view.
- I then offered it realistic reassurance, the way that a kind parent would reassure a child. (See the text above starting “Wow!…”)
- I was then able to see and hold the egoic part and the vulnerable child-like part together, allowing my adult parts to be in charge of decision making and these child-like parts to relax.
If you’re not with them, they will be running you.
If we are not with these parts they will be running us. They are influencing our thoughts and making our decisions for us. We are using escape tactics to get away from these uncomfortable feelings – Distraction, blaming, dissociation, shutting down, worrying.
A good question to ask to gain a bit more distance here once we’ve noticed these parts are in operation is “What is it like to be the one who is aware of all this?”
And then notice what it feels like as you seek to answer that question. What are the qualities that you experience when you identify with this aspect of you that’s aware?
I usually experience it as kind, compassionate, allowing, spacious, parental, unbothered yet caring.
You will have to discover for yourself how it feels in that moment. This is not about the information you get in terms of reading out the qualities, it’s about making the transition to experiencing ourselves as the one that has those qualities. In answering the question as to what those qualities are, we become more identified with being that one. And less identified with the protectors and the difficult feelings.
The more we are identified with the one who is aware of it all, the freer we feel.
This is a wonderful place to lead from, to make decisions from, and to communicate from whether we’re talking to a large audience, our team at work, or a close friend.
Being secure in yourself (which is the ground of strong and stable Presence-based leadership) is not about not having those vulnerable places or wounds
It’s about noticing them, un-blending from them and looking after them.
So they are not you, or more importantly, you are not them.
But this isn’t the end of the story
We are not just our awareness. The feelings are real (even if they are not rational), and they do need to be included and felt, in order for us to feel whole, satisfied and complete.
Not just the difficult feelings, not just the easy feelings, but all the feelings that are happening.
To feel truly alive, is to be able to include all the feelings that we are having, without running away from them and to feel them all.
Feel the difficult feelings.
Feel easier feelings too.
Become aware of the space.
Breathe as you rest in being who you are, including it all.
And then, if there is stuff that actually needs to be done… Go do it!
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If you’d like to explore any of these issues in a coaching context contact us to book a one-to-one coaching session, or check out our Foundation Public Speaking Courses in London, which also look at these issues.
- I and Thou:The Secret to Truly Connected Communication - June 4, 2026
- Presence and Self: The same place, different paths - April 9, 2026
- Where we’re coming from. The source of leadership and communication. - March 12, 2026